I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
