I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I still have a little drunk in my system
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
