the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
