I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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