I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
