Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
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Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
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Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize