Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
