Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
