Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Your shirt... Was in my pants
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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