I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
