I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
