TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
