i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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