he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
