so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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