I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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