I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
