im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
