I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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