I'm so fucking centered right now
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
