Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
