And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
