The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
