after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
