Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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