it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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