"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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