jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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