Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
