Ambien. No doubt about it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm really busy with my period
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