When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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