Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
