I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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