I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
