"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
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I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
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When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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