I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
