I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
birth control should be required to get into college
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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