the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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