The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
