I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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