if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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