im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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