I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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