i dont even know how to be here
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
