I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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