my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
