you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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