I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
