4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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