Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
