True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
