I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
