I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
