Tell her she can't have a vagina
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
