Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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