I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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